As Long As You Can
by bluecharlotte
Summary: "Abruptly Kurt chokes out a sob. In what feels like no time at all Blaine has coaxed him into turning around and melting into his arms." Kurt misses his mom.


**A/N: This is a one-shot that I've been working on for a while. I finished it because I needed to get rid of my writer's block on my other story, Plain to See. :P The song is called "Cancer" by My Chemical Romance. There are spoilers for Season 3 here if you look really hard, but it's basically centered around Kurt and his family along with Blaine being comforting. :) More happy than sad. Hope you like it.**

Kurt stands up and swipes his eyes and nose with his sleeve, forgetting that it's a designer sweater. He has surely stained it, but he can't find it in himself to care. He's remembering again, the happy and the sad, the beginning and the end, and nothing has ever felt more like floating. Because it's the tenth anniversary of the day she died, and it feels like it's happening all over again.

He spends a day in mourning every year, but Kurt hardly ever ends up in tears like this. He and his dad used to go to her grave annually to pay their respects, and he would let it all out before he went so he could be strong for Burt. Now they don't go anymore—at least, not together—but he's still thinking and sulking and God, _crying_; he doesn't want his dad to see him crying. So he's loitering alone in the choir room at McKinley, stuck in a funk and trying to wipe away the tears that are streaming down his face.

It's not really working.

_Turn away_

_If you could get me a drink of water_

'_Cause my lips are chapped and faded_

When his mom first got sick, Kurt knew that something was wrong. She tried to hide it and didn't want him to see her weak, but she was different and he could tell. She was sick, they told him. She had a disease called cancer where your cells grew too much and started trying to go everywhere. The doctors were trying to stop them from growing, and she was going through this treatment called "key-mo." She took her medicine every morning at breakfast and every night before bed, and when she said goodbye to him before school he always wondered why she looked so sad about it.

He realized later it was because she was afraid each time was the last time.

She made sure to keep him from seeing her vulnerable, but there were a few times that year when Kurt could've sworn there were fresh tear tracks on her cheeks. He noticed how his father got quieter, too, and how Burt wouldn't smile as much and the wrinkles around his mouth from frowning became more prominent than the little crinkles in the corners of his eyes. Kurt noticed these things and he didn't say anything, because he didn't want to admit to what was really happening.

Because really? His mother was _dying_.

_Now turn away_

'_Cause I'm awful just to see_

'_Cause all my hair's abandoned all my body_

_All my agony_

He knew from the moment that she began to lose her hair, and that was when it all became real. She was strong and had told Kurt that she rather liked having less hair to get in the way, and didn't he agree? His mommy's life was slipping away more and more each day, and maybe she wouldn't be there the next year to have tea parties and pick out outfits and make him breakfast and say goodbye every morning, but didn't he agree?

Abruptly Kurt chokes out a sob, unable to keep himself silent any longer. He still misses her so much sometimes. And it _hurts_. This time he doesn't bother wiping the tears away; he just strides over to the piano and stays there. He leans his forearms against it and breathes heavily, trying to keep his body from shaking as salty water drips off his chin and falls onto his shoes.

He is so lost in himself that he doesn't hear the footsteps behind him.

"Kurt?"

He doesn't move or speak, but he recognizes the voice in an instant. His boyfriend is behind him, and in what feels like no time at all he has coaxed him into turning around and melting into his arms. Blaine always knows just what he needs, what'll make him feel better, and right now it's a warm hug.

_Baby, I'm just soggy from the chemo_

_But counting down the days to go_

_It just ain't living_

Kurt had only became truly afraid when he found out that she had an expiration date. He had been unable to let go of the hope that his mommy would be able to pull though, that everything would turn out fine and it was all no more significant than a bad dream. He understood that cancer was serious, but Kurt refused to consider the idea that his mom might actually leave him alone forever. It was too much for an eight year old to take. It was only after overhearing a soft-spoken conversation between her and his dad that he accepted the truth.

"_Come on, Burt. You can't say you didn't see this coming. We both... we knew it had to happen sometime."_

"_I know. I know, but I just... it's just so damn _hard_. I can't stand the idea of losing you, Liz. I've always protected you, and now... now _this_ is happening. And there's not one damn thing I can do about it."_

_Her response came in a whisper. "I know, honey. I'm scared too. I'm so _scared, _Burt."_

"_I know." He whispered into her ear, his words soothing even as his voice trembled. "But you'll be all right, Liz. Just you wait. We're gonna get through this. You and me and Kurt, we'll get through this together."_

Of course, that had been a lie. His mommy had an expiration date, and she _wouldn't_ get through this. In that moment she wasn't quite his mommy anymore; when she showed vulnerability she became a mortal human just like everyone else. A woman who was afraid of saying goodbye to her husband and son.

They brought her to the hospital just a week after Kurt overheard that conversation. She would never set foot in that house again.

_And I just hope you know_

_That if you say goodbye today_

_I'd ask you to be true_

He and his daddy visited her in the Lima hospital almost every day during those few weeks. Sometimes they would just sit and be there for her, and other times they would talk for hours, about anything and everything. There's one thing she said, though, that Kurt remembers most—it's one of his fondest memories of his mother.

"_I want you to promise me something, okay? When I'm not here with you anymore and you're growing up to be big like your daddy, keep being yourself. Don't let anyone tell you what you are or try to change that. Because you're _perfect_. The world can be a scary place, but be strong for me, okay? Be who you want to be, not who everyone else wants you to be. And when you find someone who you love and who loves you, hold on to them as long as you can. Don't let them get away. Can you promise me you'll do that?"_

He promised. And then he said goodbye, and his mommy was crying and so was his daddy, and he was scared of the reason why. But a part of him knew.

That was the last time he saw her alive.

_Gather all my things_

_And bury me in all my favorite colors_

_My sisters and my brothers_

The funeral was one of the worst days of Kurt's life. He still remembers every detail years later; how hot his suit was beneath the overly bright sun, the way everyone was cloaked in black, the peaceful look on his mother's face lying in the open coffin, the somber expressions and the tearful eyes and the almost painfully tight grip that his daddy had on his hand the whole day. But he didn't mind, because he was hurting, too.

"_I love you, Daddy."_

"_I love you too, Kurt."_

_..._

"_You're not... leaving too, are you?"_

"_No! No, no no. Of course not. I'm gonna be here for a long time, okay? You've got me and I've got you. We'll be okay. You'll be okay."_

He remembers the smell of his dad's suit as he cried into the shoulder, the smell of the white flowers that his cousin gave him, the bitter taste of the punch that couldn't have been good no matter how wonderful it was on any other day. He remembers the way his mother's coffin was lowered into the ground and the sound of the dirt being shoveled over her. He remembers the feeling of disconnect when it was over, like maybe it had all been a bad dream.

'_Cause the hardest part of this_

_Is leaving you._

It's because of his mother's death and the way they said farewell that Kurt has always hated goodbyes. They feel like endings, like sorrow and loss and _leaving_. And at the same time a part of him has always been afraid of saying hello, because each new person in his life could be gone in an instant.

When he met Blaine, though, he forgot to be afraid. He fell in love and let himself fall, and he has never been happier.

And right now Blaine is his rock, his center, and he _knows_ and _understands_ and Kurt didn't know it was possible to feel so accepted and loved and at the same time so vulnerable. He would do the same thing for Blaine without a second thought, but he is still in awe of this boy who has taken him into his arms, amazed that he wants to be here for him and be _with_ him. Kurt breathes in deeply against Blaine's neck and swallows hard, heart aching in the best way possible. A part of him realizes that if his mother were alive, she would be proud. He meant it when he said he was _never saying goodbye, _because he knows that when you find someone who you love and who loves you, you _hold on to them as long as you can._

He pulls away and smiles tearfully at Blaine and tries to wipe the tears from his cheeks. Gently Blaine brushes a few drops off with his thumb, cupping his jaw. Then he leans in close and presses their foreheads together and smiles up at Kurt through his lashes when their noses brush. His soft voice and his warm, alluring mouth bring Kurt back to himself, and he has never felt closer to anyone in his entire life.

_And I just hope you know_

_That if you say goodbye today_

_I'd ask you to be true_


End file.
